the pier.

[doubletap]

Let him just say it now--the kid had a lot of problems.

I mean, not really a surprise or anything--Alex had found him dried out in a desert, for crying out loud--but god damn.

Let’s recap.

Alex Seattle Geer found himself in love with a Vault brat from the Capital Wasteland with a daddy complex the size of Hoover Dam. Said kid loves him back--sometimes. Said kid would probably rather put another bullet between Alex’s eyes rather than spend time with him, and didn’t this just go to show it. Neil leaves to check up a rumor, said he’d be back shortly--shortly became two days and by then Dogmeat was back, meaning Neil took off somewhere he was worried the dog would get hurt at. Two days turn into two weeks and counting, and by then, Alex has tracked Neil’s steps, found the fucking pier, the fucking tool of a woman looking for her child, and all of the pieces are too easily placed.

Neil left for Point Lookout. And Alex, ED-E, and Dogmeat are left hanging in the wind.

Alex has been fucking camping on the dirty sand and shit next to that pier, waiting for that stupid kid to come back on that stupid ferry the woman told him about. Tobar the fucking Ferryman, and Alex feels like shooting the asshole just for submitting to Neil’s request. Probably not the guy’s fault, but-- Hell. Yeah. He didn’t traipse all over the goddamn country just to be left in the dust. Is the kid even coming back? Who fucking knows.

Alex will just.

Wait here.

Until Neil comes back.

Yeah, that’s not pathetic at all.

Comments

[goodfight]

A weight forms in the pit of his stomach, born out of memories and dreams. Alex tells Neil that he can choose anything, and somewhere inside of him, in the darkest corner of his existence, Neil responds. He believes that to be true. Yes, he can move in ways many can't.

He doesn't know if he should. If he should be allowed to grasp a better life when so many others here cannot. Didn't he once tell Alex that he's responsible for the changes in the Capital Wasteland? Didn't he come here to fix the pieces still remaining?

But it hadn't worked out. His memories had proven false. His expectations, virtually worthless. The Capital Wasteland was never his. It's a place that managed along just fine without him, without knowledge of him, and all the pieces he'd hoped to reassemble are just gone because that time, nearly five years prior, was never about his own damn life.

Neil remembers, then. His worthlessness. It quiets him; it smooths out the complexities in his expression. He looks at Alex as if lost, not knowing where to go, before looking away to the ceiling.

[doubletap]

God, he hates this place. This whole wasteland. His kid was a mess before, yeah, but this place is just ruining for Neil. Alex reaches to touch his cheek again, to draw attention away from his misery. "Hey," he prompts. "My bad. I told you that you didn't need to think about all of that right now, didn't I? Then I go and start talking again."

This is fucking with your head, kid. To the point in which you have periods where you're not even talking to me. "Neil, how about right now? What do you want?" It's still unfair, Alex knows, but he has to ask it. "Do you want to sleep? Want more meds? Want me to knock you out or fuck you unconscious?" He smiles at the last, an obvious joke. "Let me help you, huh? What do you need?"

[goodfight]

The hand on his cheek prompts Neil to look at Alex, to consider the man with open eyes. The other man's mien holds concern with a tinge of exhaustion and sobriety, and Neil knows it is all because of him. He's fucking twenty-four. He should at least try to not worry one person so much.

"It's not you. I think I'm just all over the place." What with a piece of his brain floating in a marked jar and all. Neil attempts a smile, which comes out strained. "Could you tell me how your plan went? I need something to keep me from sleeping for awhile." From dreaming, of course.

[doubletap]

Alex smiles more genuinely, then settles onto Neil--body in-between Neil's legs and weight on his forearms. For a moment, he reaches up, to brush hair away from the bandage on Neil's forehead. "It went fine," he answers softly. "You returned the dogtags of that guy's sister when you were here and he never forgot it. Due to that, and the fact that apparently there's a couple power struggles going on in the BOS, the guy seemed really fine with the fact that I killed his friends and a chapter back in the Mojave--

"Oh, right," he adds, something of delight in his eyes. "One of the guards upstairs, his parents are from Cali. Recognized the recon beret I got and helped defuse the initial situation. Got to say, it was pretty awesome. The knight had just shot me full on in the chest and I was just crouched around the corner like an idiot, and Cooper--the guard--just calmly holds a gun to his head. I like this group," he says, with a laugh. "This is like the first place I really like here."

[goodfight]

The description of what Neil assumes to be the remaining Brotherhood of Steel member strikes a chord. Enough of one, apparently, that his eyes widen in pleasant surprise as he ignores the almost unpleasant weight between his legs. "Larry Christensen-Ellis?" he chances. "Curly red hair, green eyes?" Unless Larry kept his damn helmet on, that should be the most distinguishing feature.

And that isn't everything. Alex mentions a guard from California, and Neil instantly pictures William Brandice, the former Enclave officer from Navarro. Except with Cooper, it is the NCR. When Alex laughs and states that he likes this place, the younger man actually smiles-- Until he realizes what exactly was just said.

Neil frowns. Heavily. "You got shot in the chest," he says, worried. "You okay?"

[doubletap]

"Ellis, yep," Alex says pleasantly. "I gave him some of my clothes to get himself decked out in if civilians show up to tattle there was a BOS knight here. He's hanging around for a while until things calm down. And you are going to be spending at least two days solidly resting, Wanderer. No hopping out of bed to yell at assholes."

Alex leans to kiss his nose again, smiling back at Neil's quick smile-turned-frown. Alex nudges Neil gently, touched. "I'm fine, babe. You know me."

[goodfight]

His priority goes to the chest shot, and his expression gives itself to neutrality. For a split second, of course. "Yeah, you have a tendency to bounce back immediately," Neil states calmly, a tiny grin forming on his face.

"And I wasn't planning to yell at Larry," he continues. "He probably thought you were the abominable monster. I'll need to badger him, though, after those two days. That sister of his was his only family; he's kinda worrisome when it comes to things like that." Like loss.

It sounds familiar, doesn't it?

[doubletap]

Alex's expression softens. He tilts his head to watch Neil. "I guess I do. Does that make you glad?"

A less complicated subject would be the other. He ignores the fact of Ellis for the moment--and the abominable monster part. Alex smiles somewhat, expression unreadable. "I meant when you were yelling at those guys when you were supposed to be resting. Though you seemed pretty comfortable commanding me to end certain people."

[goodfight]

"Yeah," Neil replies, tone suddenly serious. "It does." That Alex can maintain his life so easily-- In a way, the fact's a blessing.

Neil frowns at his misunderstanding as well as the aforementioned individuals. "Oh. Tanks deserved to be screamed at, that crotchety bastard. Xavier, though." His expression shifts to something more complex. "I know Outcast. They will never back down, even for their own CO."

And will inevitably cause irreversible damage.

[doubletap]

"You know that man died. The one you knew." Tanks. Alex killed him as he did the others. Let him make that point clear. "I killed all of the ones in the basement. But you... Like I said, you had no problem commanding me, did you?"

[goodfight]

"I know." There is no hesitation. Neil isn't blind to what occurred.

The latter point, however, is what causes the awkwardness, the distinct feeling of disconnect. Neil blinks, suddenly uncertain. "It was a last-minute decision, and you... I trust you," he gives carefully.

[doubletap]

Neil moves in the opposite direction that Alex intended. For the second time in this conversation, Alex stops, surprised, blinking at Neil. The teasing, the baiting, the innuendo he had intended for the subject dies instantly, and instead he furrows his brows, lifts a hand to touch Neil's face.

"I meant to ask you this," Alex starts. "But now is as good a time as any, I guess. I had wanted to ask you about that. You trusting me."

[goodfight]

The disconnect worsens, leaving Neil to wonder why the question sits uncomfortably in his chest. He glances away to a nearby wall before looking back at Alex. "I know I told you--" On that one night, outside the Republic of Dave. "--that I can't trust you." That Alex couldn't gain Neil's trust if even James Park could not.

It's denial, plain and simple. "I didn't understand at the time that it was changing." That they were changing. "And when I saw you on that pier, I knew I could trust you. As shitty as that sounds." Neil trails off, going silent.

[doubletap]

...When Alex kisses Neil, it's not demanding. It offers things rather than takes, and Alex cups his hands around Neil's shoulders, as if to keep him. They stay like that for a moment, before Alex breaks away.

"I know," he states quietly. "I knew from when you let me hold you on that pier. Then that girl mentioned you hadn't been sleeping, and then you let yourself go the moment I had you. Then with me bringing you here, and letting me handle things... You let me take care of you, let me... basically fuck around in your head, and trusted me to do what I could to make you better. You listened to me when I told you to focus and remember about the ocean. And when those assholes were in that room, you let me protect you instead of pushing your way past me.

"It's new," Alex continues. "It's not something I expected to receive from you. I don't know--" What changed. "--Why that is. Why you trust me to all of those extremes. You put your life in my hands and trusted me not to break it."

He swallows, looking like something caught between sadness and loss. "I don't know what happened to cause that."

Because I don't think that I deserve it.

[goodfight]

They kiss, pressing lips in a way that Neil hardly recognizes, and something shifts within the younger man. Something opens up to clarity, the precise and perfect reasons. When Alex breaks away, Neil is silent. He listens to the other's explanations, feels his own, and sorts it all out in his broken head.

The truths involved are things that Neil understands now. Knows more clearly than even the back of his hand. His father is dead. Killed in a dramatic way, but ultimately, dead. There was never enough attention from that source, never the care that Neil craved, and whatever hope he had placed in Dad-- It's gone. All gone. No home on the Wastes. Nothing.

Alex is alive. He offers hope to someone who has learned to never expect hope, patiently despite the constant opposition. But it isn't just that. It's--

"You care about me," Neil murmurs sadly. "That was enough."

[doubletap]

There is gravity.

There is gravity and there is weight, and for a perfect, precise moment, Alex Seattle Geer understands how it feels to have the responsibility of someone's life in your hands. Not in a simple way, as he likes, but something firmer and more delicate-- The understanding of trust. He has spoken of trusting Neil for months, but he wonders if he does, to this kind of extent. To this kind of giving yourself.

It's not simple. And it's not an excuse. It's the answer Neil gives to him, and it's enough for the moment. For right now.

Alex leans his hips into Neil, pressing, and leans to kiss him again. "I love you," he says, before their lips meet. A correction more than a declaration. He loves this kid, Neil Park. Not just care. Not just a passing whim, as Neil had said outside that Republic. Alex deepens the kiss, swallows him down, and doesn't want to stop. Wants to keep Neil in his arms.

[goodfight]

It hurts. Past the physical, the motions cut straight into his heart, and despite that perfect clarity, Neil couldn't tell you why. He couldn't begin to sort out exactly why this affection, this correction, this love hurts so damn much.

He thinks respond, to return impressions with like, but he isn't ready. Neil cannot possibly be prepared to offer every scrap and piece of himself. There are delicate matters to consider, a choice to make, and he wonders if this might be the vice that kills him.

There is no going back from here. There is no life if this comes to a premature end.

Therefore, Neil swallows the words. He does not move to reject affection, only stills in his pain and passive acceptance. He breathes in Alex's scent.

[doubletap]

The silence does not bother Alex, because he knows Neil's mouth is busy. Because Alex has continued kissing the other man, his hands moving down from Neil's shoulders to trail his chest and diaphragm. To trace the lines of muscle and tendon. Alex kisses him, his own hands and body the opposite of Neil's stillness.

Eventually, he breaks slightly, breathing harder than he had been. "...Is this hurting you? Should I stop?"

[goodfight]

There are hurt and pleasantries. There's a calm in the storm, and Neil can barely open his eyes to look at Alex. His breathing comes out uneven. "...Kinda," he murmurs slowly. "But you don't have to stop." Don't have to pull away right now.

[doubletap]

Part of him wants to react to the first part. Wants to pull away and be someone who takes care of people properly--makes them rest and doesn't add exertions onto their body. The second part... It's new, though. Neil hasn't really fought him in a while, but giving permission is something that hasn't been voiced.

He's not completely selfish. He tells himself he'll stop before it goes too far. He just wants to continue this. Just for a while more.

"Tell me," he says, in-between kissing Neil again. "Tell me if you want me to stop."

Another first, maybe. Another offer to lay down at someone's feet.

[goodfight]

If he was more coherent, Neil might have corrected the other man. Jokingly stated that this is not permission but a non-rejection. As he is, he cannot think beyond the affection, the mixed sensation blossoming beneath his skin. He speaks his assent against the other's lips, the agreement that he would tell him if this becomes too much.

Neil doesn't understand until much later that this is the first time such an offer has been given. The first time he would be given a verbal choice.

[doubletap]

This bed is too small, and there are four men in the room above them that Alex is semi-fond of. Their kids are in the room--though, knowing ED-E, he's likely in the process of ushering Dogmeat out, if he hasn't already. Most importantly, Neil is recovering from some psychopath's idea of brain surgery, and they still don't know what that will affect going forward. Neil has a fever from the infection, and it's probably not good to raise his temperature higher. Maybe it would burn out the fever, or maybe it would make it worse.

But Neil acquiesces, and Alex, stressed and strained to his limits, cannot stop after that.

He breaks from Neil's lips, to kiss along his jawline and neck. "Tell me no," he says, voice rough and low. "Just tell me no and I'll stop."

[goodfight]

Between the fever and the affection, between the dulled pain of feverish skin and the sweet contact of lips, Neil Park is not in a position to make a rational decision. So the subsequent answer should be completely expected.

He inhales sharply, his mind almost missing the words spoken. "I won't," begins Neil, "tell you no." Reject you outright in this moment.

[doubletap]

Days ago, Alex saw Neil Park on a pier. The man was a tight coil of energy, and when Neil spoke to him, the band holding him snapped. Alex reacted. Moved. Acts and motion. Choices and consequences.

It had led them here, to the same circular motion.

Alex is a tight coil of energy, and Neil says that he won't tell him no. And despite all of the sincere reasons as to not, Alex reacts. Moves. Acts and motion. Choices and consequences.

He moves back to kiss his lips, tongue seeking secrets in his mouth. Alex's hand trails to Neil's hip, under his underwear, and keeps trailing down, dragging the cloth off as well.

[goodfight]

It's strange. Alcohol softens sex to something quite pleasant. Sobriety allows the act to be barely tolerable. A fever is something new; it threatens to overwhelm entirely. Everything's warm and hurt and comfortably sharp. It's novelty enough for him to forget, to temporarily toss aside the idea that he's normally not into such things.

Neil exhales shakily, their lips and breaths mingling, his eyes closing shut. More skin opens to the cool air, and he curls his fingers against the mattress.