There is an explanation. Understanding that there was a chance at real loss. If that would have happened to Neil--

Would Alex have kept him regardless? Made up for any inadequacies with his own? He can't... He can't answer that. And he doesn't want to.

He drops his head into a hand, leaning on his knee. His other hand seeks out Neil's own, squeezing painfully tight when he finds it. "That guy's dead, huh?" Alex finally says, and his voice sounds strange--choked. "I can't kill him again?"