abstracts | the story in which Alex Seattle Geer is right for hating enclosed spaces,

Entry tags:

fallout

the story in which Alex Seattle Geer is right for hating enclosed spaces,

and Neil Park is blamed for his knowledge of vaults.

Terminal Entries:

1st Floor, Vault Entry-Room Computer:
- Data Entry 1: Year 20XX, Month XX; There's no escape.
- Holotape Entry 1: Y#4@ SDhig^8705 H98 [data corrupted]; This is hell and I want out of it.

1st Floor, Cafeteria Luncheon:
- Holotape Entry 2: Private Recording; I've had better?

1st Floor, Cafeteria Supply Room:
- Inventory List: Inventory List; A list of food....
- Data Entry 2: Shift Notes; Maybe I should tear the walls down.

1st Floor, Broken Cave:
- Data Entry 3: Preparations; Everything's fine.
- Data Entry 4: Near the End; I'll tell you the truth, but I won't give up my soul.
- Data Entry 5: Finally, the End is at Hand.; This is far enough.

1st Floor, Office:
- Data Entry 6: Vault-Wide Public Service Announcement; Get back to work everyone.
- Data Entry 7: Locked Administrative Reply; You're reaching for straws.

1st Floor, Administrative Secretary's Office:
- Data Entry 8: Drama Hoes; It is sort of funny that people aren't able to lie, though.
- Holotape Entry 3: Bill Self-Log; Byron's access still works everywhere.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Alex puts his hand on the curve of Neil's skull and leans their heads together. This is softer than they had been as of late, but it's nothing wrong. Alex shifts his fingers into Neil's hair. ]

Sorry.

[ Something he never says, not on this subject. Pride is usually too great to touch on anything other than "You had a shit dad." ]

It must have been lonely.

[This...feels right.

And very wrong. But also right. The sentiment, the proximity--these are things he must have wanted long ago.

The same awkward sensation creeps into his chest, and before he could properly focus on the terminal entry before them, he coughs.]

...Thanks.

[Embarrassment suddenly piques, and Neil glances away to a wall.]

You know. You're, uh, being nicer to me about my issues than you normally are.

[ The response come easily. Alex ruffles Neil's hair. ]

That's because I'm an asshole who can't just tell you that I love you and I hate that you're hurting. I've been alone all my life, too. The only difference between us is that you had people once and you lost them, and I never had anyone at all. It's hard to know which is worse.

[It's kind and generous and very freaky, and Neil wonders on exactly what had changed between them.

Maybe it was his lack of grey matter? Maybe they both woke up on the wrong side this morning? Maybe he's dreaming and this is all in his head?

Let's go with it for now.]

Huh. Okay. I more figured you hated drama. Didn't think you could be lonely with how laissez-faire you usually are.

I decided not to be lonely.

[ This is said as everything else, though Alex straightens away from Neil, leaving his hand in his hair. He smiles slightly down at Neil. ]

My parents abandoned me to a tribe. The people there called me Alex and "another mouth to feed" in equal measure. I got older, called myself "Alex Seattle Geer," and joined a caravan. Then the Mojave Express. I explored, I traveled, I did whatever the fuck I wanted on my dime and my time. I didn't have to be attached to anyone or anything. So I couldn't be something worthless to someone again.

[The Lone Wanderer mulls over the story, dark eyes thoughtfully watching the other.

This is the first time the one called Courier has ever shared, well, anything about his background.]

And are you satisfied with the results, old man?

[ Surprisingly, Alex smiles. It's soft and private, and he leans to kiss Neil again.

Then leans back. ]

It worked then. But you're who I want to be worth something for.

[ Not all of Vegas, or any of the other groups. Just this one man. ]

I know you hate the comparison, but you know, don't you? I love you enough to not sacrifice a thing.

[ Not on any altar, or for anything. ]

You're irreplaceable to me.

[There are two instances in Neil Park's life where his heart stuttered in its beats: (1) when he received the BB gun from James and Jonas on his 10th birthday and (2) when his father allowed the radiation leak as he pounded helplessly at the glass. One joyous, the other damning, but here, with Alex Seattle Geer--

Here, his heart stutters in contentment. In something he can only call affection and (dare he say it) love. And when the Courier leans back from the kiss to utter those words, Neil finds himself muttering.]

I know. And Alex--

[Perhaps the knowledge is the source of why Neil simply does not leave Alex to his New Vegas. Why--]

--you're worth everything to me.

[ It's this, actually.

This nice, perfect loving moment that is nearly nothing like they normally are. God, it's... right, and everything Alex wants, but in the moment that Neil says what Alex wanted to hear for so long, he knows without a doubt.

Something's wrong here.

And for a fucking tragic moment, he mourns the fact that he caught on. Because he's going to have to ruin all of this, the budding closeness that he desires nearly more than anything.

He steps back again, and presses a hand heavily into his eyes. ]

...Neil. I love you--

[ And here, Alex Seattle Geer, haven't you noticed how easily you've been saying that suddenly? ]

And you're saying something I really wa-- ...Something I really needed to hear. But would you normally be saying this?

[ He drops his hand from his face. He's tired, and hurt from this realization, and it's nearly too blatant in his eyes. ]

You wouldn't normally say this to me, right?

[Thus, like a puff of cigarette smoke, like every-fucking-thing in his life, contentment vanishes, leaving behind a rather horrendous metaphor for secondhand smoke.

Alex Seattle Geer, as he often is, is very right on a very wrong matter.

Emotions cycle through several states: disbelief, frustration, and depression. In the end, Neil settles on a mix of the three. He steps back, his pack nudging against the closet wall.]

Of course not!

[The hurt is evident in his voice, forcing Neil to wonder on how he's suddenly let go of control on such a pitiful thing like feelings.]

I normally tell you to shut up and mind your own business because I can't own up to caring about you! I just really got carried away!

[There is a pause. He looks down at his hands.]

Fuck. I really am just running my mouth.

[ Alex is drawn to the distress shown, and when Neil looks down at his hands, Alex moves to take them. It's too... Hmm. "Lovey," perhaps, but it feels like the right thing to do. So he does it. Simple as that. ]

...It's like our inhibitors are off.

[ Is the murmur. He runs his fingers along Neil's knuckles. ]

And I can't tell if that's good or bad. Is it true, then? What you said.

[The talk of inhibitors reminds Neil of the man in the holotape recording, and the Lone Wanderer can't help but wonder. Recall that Vault-Tec vaults were never meant to save anyone.

Alex, however, proves distracting, and the younger man continues to do the very thing he was so horrifically realizing a second ago. He runs his mouth off.]

...It's true.

[ The affection isn't resisted at all, and Alex just draws close again. ]

Hey.

[ He calls for attention quietly. ]

It's good, then. This thing. Because it's letting me know that you really care about me. So don't get upset about what you're saying. I want to hear more of it. I love you.

[It's difficult to resist the lure of gentle affection.

Except, as stated, this isn't like Neil, and even the wish to concede instead of resisting to the bitter death is proving to be entirely too awkward. This sentiment wins out in the end.

Kinda. He would attempt to move his hands away, but they're perfectly fine in Alex's grasp. Instead, the man takes to rambling.]

I love-- I mean, I do love-- Jesus, you know what I mean!

[He exhales slowly, begging silently for calm and clarity.]

I know it's good. I want to say that I-- Say it more. I'm not upset so much as...bewildered?

[ He watches for a moment. Just watches as Neil stumbles over his words and tries for clarity, and Alex is just in love with him. He doesn't have to say it. It's probably too obvious to tell. And Alex just wants to keep watching. Even after Neil stops talking, as he explained himself in a way that wasn't defensive or distanced.

There was something fluttering in Alex's chest that even this place couldn't kill.

He releases Neil's hands, slips a hand through the other's hair, then leans to kiss his forehead. ]

Yeah, you're right.

[ He says, probably far too agreeable--too obviously happily pleased. The subject change is something like mercy, even as Alex would rather press Neil into speaking more. ]

We should continue looking anyway. We can't stay here forever. Just promise--

[ He adds, the normal smile on his lips. ]

To do just that. To say it more.

[ Whatever breed of affection you like. Anything at all. ]

[Contact, the Lone Wanderer often finds with the Courier, is unavoidable. Affection, an occasional mode of expression. The lips against his forehead, the pleased tones-- They are odd but not beyond Alex's tendencies.

However, the look Alex Seattle Geer gives is altogether something else. Attractive, enticing, and by golly, too much stimuli. His heart races, his blood burns beneath his reddening skin, and it proves too much--much too much for poor Neil Park.

Overcome with an unknown ailment, he promptly turns away from the other to hide his current state, mouthing a what the fuck to the wall.]

[ A flush rises beneath the light-golden skin Alex knows well, and where there might have been mercy at the obviously flustered man, it all vanishes when Neil turns away.

Because he's too affected by this, by this simple discussion, and it's too attractive to Alex Seattle Geer.

He reaches out to grab Neil's pack, tugging the man back against Alex. His arms wrap around Neil's chest, and he nuzzles against dark hair, lips mouthing an ear. ]

...You do love me, don't you?

[So by attempting to detach from the conversation, Neil has effectively screwed himself.

But it is something he's prepared for, and even as temptation to give in rises sharply, he exhales slowly. He forces his mind to reset, to step away from the swirl of complication building within him.

Even with that voice at his ears.]

...As already stated. If this continues, though, we're going to be here for a long time.

[ Alex smiles against Neil and makes no move to release him. ]

Maybe we will be. But it's something irresistible-- You reacting honestly.

Well...

[As wonderful as the Courier might see in a more blatantly honest Neil, the Lone Wanderer suddenly does not feel the same. He knows himself (or knew himself).]

Once I regain the semblance of pride I had going into this vault, I am going to dig a hole and live in it. Or murder you. Whatever is more convenient.

Why don't you just marry me instead?

[There is a moment of pause. Then a deadpan:]

Men can't marry each other in the wasteland.

[ Alex kisses Neil's neck. ]

A marriage of devotion. Mutual understanding and love. A ceremony of commitment.

[Oh, god. Neil withholds a shudder (for good or for bad).]

...This is sounding more and more like those sappy romance comics Amata likes to read.

[ Alex snorts, then pulls at Neil to turn around. ]

Well, at least you should understand how much I care for you now.

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