Alternative Methods.

[doubletap]

Has sex become repetitious? Feeling sore in certain areas? Well, good news! Your boyfriend has sent you on a quest to find different ways of having fun gay sex. Yay!

Find the following people and seek out their knowledge:

• Arcade Israel Gannon (=D)
  
• Jimmy (Westside)
  
• Old Ben (Freeside)
  
• Doctor Alex Richards (Novac)
  
• Ignacio Rivas (Helios One)

Good luck, Wanderer!

Comments

[teamdonotwant]

Arcade's eyebrows hit the roof of the tent. "Wooow," he intones. "That's a great foundation to build a relationship on."

[goodfight]

The man called the Lone Wanderer sighs heavily. "Well, the relationship began as a spontaneous night of drunken sex," he retorts. "We're probably one of the horror stories parents warn their naive children about. Not killing my last thread of dignity is the least of our issues."

[teamdonotwant]

It's enough blatancy to numb some of his horror, and he responds clinically. "Take what you can out with your fingers. You'll stay open for a while, so the easiest method is to hang out in the bathroom and reenact what you normally do while there, as it will naturally leave that way. What's left by that time will absorb and cease to be the problem I'm assuming you're having. In extreme cases, some will use external cleaning methods, but I can't swear by them. You could also slow down on the penetrative sex, but that's my opinion."

And now to die. Hopefully that's all Neil needed.

[goodfight]

The multi-step, dignity-killing process seems easy enough. Neil absorbs the statements, committing every last detail to memory, and in an effort to continue, he lets go of the emotions. The embarrassment and the anxiety.

Which will be difficult with his next words. "That's actually my next question," Neil continues, almost apologetically. "Do you have any advice on...alternatives to penetrative sex?"

[teamdonotwant]

Here, Neil Park; here are another set of ellipsis. Arcade stares, and in the interim, his glasses slip. He reaches to push them up, clearing his throat. "...Again, I would recommend discussing that with... your partner."

[goodfight]

"See, uh--" How to word this delicately? "--that's a bit of a conundrum. I already did. Alex doesn't really have any...alternatives."

Neil coughs.

[teamdonotwant]

There's a pause. A break in conversation. A pregnant moment rich with possibilities.

Arcade thinks, placing a hand against his mouth and chin, other hand cupping his elbow. "Are you saying that Alex Seattle Geer only does anal sex?"

[goodfight]

Oh. Neil does not like that contemplative gaze and telling posture.

"...Yes," he finally says, defeated.

[teamdonotwant]

He snorts.

He can't restrain himself and nearly dies from the thought. It'll probably get him killed and it's staining his brain irrevocably, but.... He holds up a hand, begging a moment. "Excuse me," he makes out. "But do you know that guy's reputation? It's either entirely laughable..." That a man with that kind of gossip is a one-trick horse. "Or he's that good--"

He blanches, waving his hand in front of his face. "Don't answer that. Please don't."

[goodfight]

Yes. Neil knows Alex's reputation, the one the former sometimes wishes he could just un-hear. It evokes complicated emotions within him, every last one of them unnecessary and very unwanted. "I wasn't planning on it," the man states blandly.

[teamdonotwant]

Neil doesn't seem amused, and Arcade clears his throat, sobering. "So what are you asking here, really?"

[goodfight]

Neil knows he's being completely unfair to a guy he now owes for the favor, and it doesn't do anyone good for Neil to harbor retarded emotions. He exhales slowly, willing stability. "What I'm asking is if you had any suggestions for what two men can do instead of anal sex," he says. "Anything at all."

He and his ass will be ever so grateful.

[teamdonotwant]

Uh.

"Uh," he thinks eloquently. "Have you ever tried... Hmm... Switching it up?"

[goodfight]

Neil blinks. "Switching it up?" he echoes, confused.

[teamdonotwant]

"This is painful and I want to die," he intones dryly, streaked with pain and death. "Switched places. Changed roles."

[goodfight]

"I swear your pain will be over soon," Neil responds, wanting the same death held in Arcade's mind. "Was suggested and promptly rejected."

[teamdonotwant]

And here would be where Arcade frowns, annoyance and concern warring. "Really," he asks. "Your partner is that much of a jerk to refuse to switch roles?"

[goodfight]

Oops. Neil hadn't meant to give that impression. "Hey, now," he starts. "No one's being a jerk. Alex more just said it was unlikely for that to happen. Probably because I have nothing in terms of experience."

[teamdonotwant]

"Yeah, but you could try," he grumbles, still not comfortable with the defensive abused spouse thing Neil was wearing. He tries to put it out of mind. "As your friend, I would tell you to switch it up. As your medical advice person... Try something non-penetrative or get a different partner altogether."

[goodfight]

He could try. Likely botch the deed in the process. Or Alex, the topper extraordinaire, would offer enough critique to turn Neil off to it for a fucking long time.

Arcade, bless his soul, edges into a territory Neil's looking for, and the younger man sets aside his thoughts to instantly jumps on the opportunity. "Not looking for a different partner, but... Could you gimme an example of non-penetrative stuff?" he asks.

[teamdonotwant]

Too bad, in the end. It'd probably save the kid a lot of trouble. Arcade starts to wear a helpless expression. "...Handjobs?"

[goodfight]

...Geez. Arcade looks like he's reaching the end of his rope, and well, Neil's crossing that border where people start to cut off the annoying things in life. Namely him. Need to start wrapping this up.

Neil pushes away the urge to press both hands to his face in dismay. "Apparently, handjobs aren't very intimate," he mutters before shaking his head. "Thanks, Arcade. I owe you a shitton for this. Just name the price, and I'll pay it."

[teamdonotwant]

"They can be, depending on how you..." He trails off, seeing the escape Neil is giving and weighing it. He wants to run at this point, really run fast and far, but that helpless expression is really overdoing it.

He groans, loudly, and turns to the cabinet nearby, rummaging until he finds a large bottle of tequila that Raul had given him for his last birthday and two shot glasses. He fills both, then downs both in a quick succession. He sputters incoherently. "I hate tequila," he says by way of explanation, then fills two more and repeats the act.

[goodfight]

The response to his generous offer is four shots of hated tequila going straight into Arcade's mouth. Neil finds himself watching, confusion setting in. "...You getting information overload?"

Duh.

[teamdonotwant]

He ignores Neil, and waves his hand in an exaggerated motion. "This is an area of discretion, correct? As much as a tent with a flap for a door can be...." He trails off, a moment of dismay, then continues. "So let's be discrete and practice blatancy, shall we? It will be fun."

He says this with all the enthusiasm of a dead man, and makes the number go up to six in a moment more.