abstracts | Alternative Methods.

Here he raises his eyebrows, a pleasant look on his face. "So the blushing and moans from a few minutes ago was just an act? I'm flattered."

A complication rises to his mien, and Neil frowns hesitantly. "It wasn't an act," is the response. "I just meant it sounded like you were expecting me to give you nothing." To not make even an effort. To simply accept Alex's affections without actively giving away his own.

"You know that's not what I was saying at all. What are you really asking here, Neil?"

A beat, then he risks asking what he's thinking. "Why do you seem insecure about this?"

What is he asking? Why does Neil think that something is on the verge of crumbling away?

He straightens, appearing exhausted. "It was...difficult. To talk to those guys," he gives quietly. "It was harder hearing the possibility that I could be this brand of human sexuality. I'm suddenly wondering if all of that was unnecessary."

Alex listens, then shifts the hand on Neil's thigh to reach for his hand and hold. Something that had started since Vault 7, but a reminder. A reminder that--

"I know we haven't always communicated well. Our personal stuff got in the way and pride and all kinds of stupid stuff... And I gave you a lot of crap for a while, so I understand if you have reservations about talking to me openly. But you can. And I'm saying this because I want to listen to you right now. Tell me what was difficult. And tell me why it was worse to hear that possibility.

"Maybe we can come to some conclusions together."

They hold hands, as they tended to in the vault that sacrificed pride for the truth, and Neil Park begins to believe that he might be going off-kilter. There was a smattering of calm throughout that ridiculous quest, but the remaining unease has come back with a vengeance, and it's fucking up that previous resolve.

Neil inhales, managing to succeed at keeping still. "Okay. I'll try." He smiles, the expression requiring effort. "You might be able to pick out what I might have fucked up."

Alex smiles, quietly happy. "You didn't fuck up. I can tell you that because you didn't come home pissed or wounded, or telling me that you had to murder someone I know. So we'll figure it out together."

He pauses there, one beat of self-consciousness, then he continues to steamroll. "We're a team, right?"

Alex spells out the transgressions Neil must avoid, and the younger merely files them away for another day. Instead, his smile widens. "Right," he answers.

Let's talk about the difficulties. "I'd originally planned to just talk to them. Get a feel for what I'm missing and research the rest." Like a perfectly good scholar, except-- "I met up with Arcade first, and...it kinda fell apart."

Funny, this. Neil hadn't anticipated this particular reveal. He had thought to take it with him to the grave, as he had more or less told Arcade. Instead, here, he errs on the side of trust and gives it all away.

"Don't take this the wrong way, okay?" begins Neil. "But I've been having issues after...things. Like issues. Down. There." A place he would rather not spell out.

He watches as Neil speaks. Falling apart sounds ominous, as those the rest. "...I'm curious why I would take it the wrong way," he comments, unable to guess what Neil means by that.

"But give me more details. I'm not that fabulous at riddles."

Dagnabbit, okay. Alright. What's that phrase Arcade kept repeating? Digression and blatancy, right.

"...I have to hang out in the bathroom for a good while a few hours after we have sex," Neil says clearly.

This is still not clear, Neil Park.

"...Want to fill me in on why?"

ARGH.

"...I get diarrhea from the leftover cum in my rectum."

The blatancy doesn't bother him. Instead he remains a bit confused. "But why is there leftover?"

Neil hates this conversation, and it shows. "Because I didn't know how to clean properly until I talked to Arcade."

Until he talked to-- "Wait, what the fuck?!"

He grabs Neil's shoulders, pulls him back from him so Alex can look him in the face. "We've been fucking for almost a year. How did you-- Why didn't you just ask?"

Here it is. Neil looks back with clear shame in his dark eyes.

"...How was I supposed to ask you? I could barely keep a pulse on what was going on around me," he answers, voice edging toward pain. "By the time I got it together, we were back in the Mojave from Vault 7. Then it was too late."

"Shit." This is, again, on Alex. He knew Neil was a virgin, but that first time Neil ran off to the bathroom after, long enough that Alex assumed he knew what he was doing. He had planned on checking that morning, when they woke up, but with Raul's delicate sensibilities interrupting them, it threw things into a sort of chaos.

But it shouldn't cause that look on Neil's face. Alex leans forward to kiss him once, then softens his tone. "You still could have, at any time. I thought you knew what you were doing since you never asked. But I should have checked. That's on me. I'm the more experienced one and I really let you down in this.

"I have a lot of making up to do."

Annoying. It is damn near aggravating to hear Alex claim responsibility for something of Neil's. The younger man glares back, even after the kiss.

"You didn't let me down," he retorts. "There was just a lot of misunderstandings, that's all. Don't fucking blame yourself or think you have to make it up to me, alright? It's fine now."

"It's not fine," he says quietly. He watches Neil intently. "This was a mistake that was made. It's fine now, logistically... If it was explained."

He's irritated, suddenly, at Arcade explaining something that Alex should have. That also probably looked like Alex was a complete asshole, of letting that go on for so long. Fuck. He'll probably need to talk to Arcade as well.

"Talk to me. If there's anything weird, anything you don't know or isn't familiar, talk to me. I probably don't know half the amount of stuff some people do, but this is a two-person activity, and I'm involved as well. Don't cut me out because it's something embarrassing or seemingly weird. I want to listen, remember? I want to be there for you."

"It was explained," Neil mutters, losing the heat in his eyes. "And before you think otherwise, I told Arcade I purposely didn't bring it up to you." Before Alex starts to believe that Neil would throw his boyfriend under the bus.

"I remember. I'm not planning on doing that again." On hiding matters for the purpose of saving his own dignity.

He runs a hand over Neil's hair, quieter. "...No wonder you wanted other ways to do stuff."

Alex gives a partial fact. Indeed, Neil had sought for alternatives to avoid the more unpleasant side of full-on sex. There were, however, other reasons as well.

"It isn't just that," he says carefully. "I've been...really overwhelmed by it lately. In the good way, I mean, but still. Get pretty worn out, as you already know." Evident by the amount of dozing Neil's gotten into since Vault 7.

...Alex narrows his eyes slightly, trying to define what Neil is saying.

"...If you don't define for me what that means, I'm going to go ahead and assume that it's just too good to deal with," he gives lightly.

ARGH.

"The last couple of times we did it, I conked out so hard after and lost half the day," Neil states blandly. "That freaking sucks balls, losing time."

"The question is... why, though? Would it even matter if we did something else--it might just have you react the same."

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