abstracts | Alternative Methods.

Alex cuddles Neil as close as possible, keeping him within his arms. "You already do a lot for me. You're here, right here, aren't you? When this isn't your kind of place."

"It can't be enough." It can't possibly be enough. Simply being here, in Alex's arms, when the older man has the entire Mojave to look after and the hidden cracks within himself, cannot qualify as 'a lot.'

But Alex had spoken, back in the bowels of Vault 7, that this is really all he could want. Neil swallows the memory and tightens his arms around Alex, his face pressing against the man's chest. "I'm here because I love you."

"Exactly," he states. "You're here because you love me. Not because you love this place. You're already compromising on my behalf."

Already giving up things to be with Alex.

A pause. Neil inhales the other man's scent, breathing deep.

"There is no compromise," he finally says. "When I have nowhere else to go."

It reminds him.

Maybe it's because of the subject. Maybe it's because of that bunker yesterday, or because of the dreams he's been having. Maybe it's because they hadn't made love, not like that, since that stupid vault. But Alex remembers. That Neil had asked him if the Mojave was his home.

But Alex's home was gone. He stayed in the Mojave because he had nowhere else to go.

But in that vault, when Neil asked him that, there had been something else. Alex had told Neil to choose his own home, and Neil had said it wasn't a place he was looking for.

It was a friend. A friend that could be something Neil stays close to, who won't leave him. And Alex, in everything that had happened, hadn't thought of that response since then.

"...Wanderer," Alex questions, something of gravity in his tone. "Where's your home?"

Home, his mind echoes. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. It reminds you of a copycat figurine and the hole you can never fill.

But he has. He has found what was once missing. It is this that Alex asks for.

But.

"You sure," Neil breathes out, "you want to know?"

"Hey," he says accusingly; gently. "Are you doubting me now? That's no way to start this new part of our lives."

There is silence for a beat. Only for a beat.

Then: "You're right. Sorry." Neil lifts his head, his face ragged. "I told you in that vault that I'm not looking for a place, right?"

A friend, he had said.

"That used to be my dad." Until James tore it away from him with a simple flip of the switch. "Now it's you."

A grim smile. "You're my home."

Edited 2017-06-08 05:51 (UTC)

He might have read this differently before. Had, actually, in the capital particularly. But he understands Neil a bit more now. Understands the gaps and holes in his chest and his life. The loss that came in pieces, chunks, breaking away and cracking off while nothing Neil did mattered. Changed anything. Stopped it. A ridiculous, unnecessary, destructive loss, but it had been the stable point. The only point. The axis of Neil Park's existence.

That used to be James Park. Now it was Alex Seattle Geer.

You're my home.

Neil looks like death and Alex only kisses his forehead.

"You're all I want," he repeats. "Sex or no sex, as long as you stay with me like this I'm happy. You're my life. And I'm your home. So stay here. Stay right here."

Alex kisses his forehead, and Neil thinks the man's far too kind. Far more than he is ever willing to admit.

"I have no intention of leaving." Even as the other might. Pick up and just go. "I would never just go away."

Neil swallows, his throat thick with bile. "I'm staying here as long as you want me," he murmurs. "Right here. With you."

"Then don't look like this is the end," he says gently. He nudges Neil's head with his own. "This is a good thing. Good things. Nothing is wrong."

Good things, right. Except--

He can't help the grin, half-hearted and dwindling mirth. "You know how my luck works, right? Good things tend to just fall apart," Neil jokes.

Alex raises an eyebrow in challenge. "And you know how my luck is, right? Get kicked down, bounce back better than ever. And we already had our time at the curb.

"So it's time for the better. All right?"

"Better," Neil repeats. The man nods, relenting to both truth and the other. "All right."

He cannot help the small pause. "Starting with alternative ways to have sex."

"Hold up," he interrupts, straightening to see him better. He loosens his hold, keeping an arm around Neil's back and resting his other on Neil's thigh. "We'll get to that."

Maybe that should be the first show of difference. Alex brushing off the chance to talk about sex.

He stares at Neil instead. "Do you actually believe what I said?"

The question hardly proves to be odd, not with the way these things once went. There is heat on his bare thigh and warmth encircling around him, but Neil manages to not get distracted. He nods.

"As much as I can believe anyone," he gives sincerely.

He'll accept it. Accept it but--

Again he leans to brush his head against Neil's. "...I'm yours. Don't forget that."

There, again, is contact. Neil reaches to press his hand against the man's cheek.

"I won't. You're mine, after all."

He smiles there, against Neil's hand. Nuzzles once, then slowly straightens again.

"Well, then, the next thing to return to would be... What do you think about all of the asexual stuff? Do you think it fully applies to you? Anything different or not fitting? How do you feel about it?"

Edited 2017-06-08 14:18 (UTC)

Neil honestly considers his lover's questions, mulling over each. In the end, he sighs, appearing far more conflicted than prior. "The way Arcade explained being an asexual was fucking spot on," he admits. "If that's the general consensus, then yeah, I'm willing to agree I am one, but honestly, I feel like I need more information."

Something shifts in his expression, edging the unknown. "If true, though, that would lay more than a few adolescent concerns to rest."

"Well, that sounds like the start of a new quest," he comments, smiling slightly. "Though I have to ask about the concerns you mentioned."

At the prospect of a new quest without his preferred compensation, Neil groans. "It's like I can't escape the weirdo rep," he whines whilst shifting awkwardly in Alex's arms. Talking about adolescence always makes the Lone Wanderer feel retarded as shit.

"Tried to jerk off once." A great start to a great series of events. "Just out of curiosity. Felt no different than rubbing my arm. Pin-ups were currency for pent-up boys in a vault, but I never got anything out of them. Funny story, though. Dad caught me with one when I was thirteen, and he freaked the fuck out. Started going off about boys and girls--"

"Boys and girls have different parts, Right? Now listen closely."

"--and I stood there with my mouth shut, nodding along, trying very hard not to let it slip that I already read up on the horizontal tango five years ago."

Please excuse Alex while his eyes slightly glaze. And while his lower body wakes up a bit, which is something unfortunate, perhaps, for the person in his lap.

"...Interested in jerking off for me?"

The sudden request has Neil remembering Old Ben from dilapidated Freeside and his words regarding "showing off" in front of an interested party. This point is emphasized when Neil feels something happy against his thighs.

"Depends," he says lightly. "What would you give me?" Because jerking off itself is going to do jack shit for Neil.

Giving Neil something is basically what Alex wants to do, but instead of replying, the man smiles quietly.

Alex leans in to nuzzle, then kisses along Neil's jaw to his mouth. He kisses him slowly, deliberately; something overwhelmingly forceful for all its gentleness. Something to make one remember just how close they are. How close two people can be.

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