If asked, Neil might say he wasn't ready. When he finally wakes the fuck up, he's practically drowning in the pain. He sputters and gasps while transitioning from a black out to almost all in, while exposing his grey and white matter to the air, and the part of him that's delicate simply dies.

Neil wants to tell Alex-- Tell him to end it. Kill it. He wants to, but his throat catches on the words. So he reaches upward, as if to grasp something.